Charlatan - A person claiming to have a special knowledge or skill; a fraud. In many areas of my life, I feel like a charlatan. I feel as though at any moment, I will be found out. I am a successful person who has worked hard and made my way up the ladder so to speak. I have never done anything fraudulent. I try to lead my life with integrity. I have never charmed or sweet talked my way into something. Every position I have acquired in my career was because of my knowledge, ability and hard work. Despite all of this I feel like a charlatan. I have imposter syndrome.
Like many people with imposter syndrome, I didn't know I had this affliction. A close friend made me aware of it. (Side Note: Find yourself a friend who will offer you observations about yourself that are helpful. You may not always like what you hear but when you have someone who will make you aware of a quality you have...in a loving way...it could make a huge difference in your journey to find yourself.) (Second Side Note: The majority of the people in your life are not emotionally mature enough to offer suggestions that are anything other than critical. Criticism is damaging in how it is delivered. You end up feeling worse about yourself as opposed to better. Helpful, mature, loving advice is different from criticism. It is delivered to help you become more self aware and not to tear you down.) Imposter syndrome for me is feeling as though I don't deserve to be where I am. Sometimes I feel like a kid that is pretending to be an adult and the real adult is going to find out and tell me to go back to my parent's house. I don't accept compliments well...at all. Basically if anyone tells me how well I do my job or how smart I am, etc.; I just flat out do not believe it.
My therapist always asks me to offer up how a characteristic, that I have defined as negative, has a positive effect on my life. My tendency to feel like a charlatan helps to keep me humble, grounded and relatable in my career. Despite my accomplishments and my upward career path, I never feel better than anyone else. I'm the same person I was when I had a lower level position. I remember the challenges I had to face in that position and how I felt doing that job. Now that I am at the top, I don't feel any different. Yes, I have more experience and have worked hard to get here. But deep down I don't feel any different. That tendency to feel that way invites collaboration and communication with my coworkers in lower level positions from me. That is huge for me. No matter what, when you move up you are removed from the inner workings of the office to some extent. You may not hear all of the gripes, gossip or drama anymore. You definitely do not have work friends in the office anymore. So staying connected in some way by staying down to earth and relatable helps to know what the climate of the office is.
While I do not feel like I am better or even sometimes good enough to be where I am, on the opposite side of that spectrum are people who think they deserve more. They minimize their faults, step on people on the way up, look down on people, lie, cheat, steal, etc. to get what they want. I feel like an imposter or charlatan when in reality the people who have an inflated ego ARE in many cases a charlatan. You know the type of people I am talking about. The people who think they deserve a position with zero experience. The people who are in over their heads in their current position but somehow think they deserve to move up. The sweet talkers and manipulators who somehow charm their way into a position they are ill equipped to succeed in. When they don't succeed, it is everyone else's fault.
My thoughts on this topic lead me to trying to find that happy medium. How can I work hard to accomplish something and then remain confident that I deserve that accomplishment? Feeling proud of myself for accomplishing something based on hard work isn't a sin. It doesn't make me an ego maniac. I can be proud of myself and remain relatable and down to earth to my coworkers. It's hard to reprogram the brain. That is basically the theme of this entire anxiety journey...reprogramming the brain.
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