It's no secret that society judges other people. This post is about how society judges unmarried and childless women...and not only that but how we judge ourselves. I also want to talk about my personal experience to show a different perspective. It's easy to jump to conclusions...to assume you know how someone else lives their life. Maybe there is more to the story. You just never know the sum of all parts of someone's life and experiences.
First I'll start with some of the rhetoric that I've seen or heard online. There are some people who think that women who are unmarried and/or childless are hurting the future of society. They are power hungry women who choose their careers over the family unit. There are some who believe that the erosion of the family unit will ruin society going forwards. If you aren't married, you are worthless...unlovable...a weirdo...power hungry...career focused. If you are childless you are selfish, weak, unworthy as a woman. Women who have children are super-heros and held in a higher regard than those who do not. Women who are married are complete, whole...unmarried women are not. If you are never married with no children, you are not fulfilling God's will and intention for you. That one is rough...even if you don't care about what society thinks...if you believe in God you can't help but feel like even God will view you as a failure. You can't argue with God.
I'm sure there is more that is said about the unmarried, childless woman but that was just off the top of my head. Now for my story. I'll start with how I view myself as an unmarried childless woman...then I'll give my reality. I think it is important to actually analyze how you view yourself. Not how you wish you viewed yourself...not the view you project to the world...but how YOU actually deep down view yourself. You can't find yourself or heal if you don't truly explore how you view yourself. It could be ugly. You don't have to share that with the world like I am but do yourself a favor and share it with yourself.
I'd like to tell you that I am confident and proud of the person I am. I'd like to say that I chose my career because it is what I truly wanted. That I chose to not marry. That I chose to never have children because of some strong conviction or opinion on the matter. That I am an independent woman who doesn't need a husband or children to show the world that I am a successful, complete human being. But none of this is true when it comes to what I believe about myself inside. Yes...I have made choices in my life that have led me down this path. I'm not insinuating that I had zero choice in the path my life took. This section is strictly about my internal view of myself based on this topic.
Unmarried Weesa
Sucks at relationships
Unlovable since another person has never wanted to marry her
Spinster
Not good enough...also because no one has ever wanted to marry her
Here only to serve others, her own desires are irrelevant
Loser
Childless Weesa
Not a complete woman
Weak
Will never know unconditional love
Will be alone without children to take care of her
Unlovable and not good enough since no one has ever wanted to make her a mother
Selfish
Believes she will lose herself even more if she has children
Yes...I believe all of these things about myself. Told you it can be ugly. You could do this exercise with any number of factors that could be judged about you. These are just the two addressed in this post.
So now onto reality...or at least reality as I see it. I grew up with two married parents in a happy, loving relationship. I have two siblings and a had good childhood. I always assumed I would get married and have kids. I really never thought of any other possibility. That is how I saw life and that is how I thought it would transpire. I thought that is what you were supposed to do in life. I was never a kid who dreamed about what my wedding would look like or what my kids would be like. I never yearned to be a mother, it was just something I thought you were supposed to do. I did however daydream about finding romantic love. I have always been a sucker for the romantic comedy or for a romantic musical. I've always yearned for a love of my very own. All of the romantic comedy plots spoke to me. I wanted to be someone's someone....which would lead to marriage I supposed. How else do you show someone that you are their person other than making them your family? So while I never dreamed of a dream wedding, I did dream of that dream relationship.
I grew up a shy kid. In addition to that, I was taught at a young age that you shouldn't trust anyone but family. Friends were taking advantage of you...don't trust people...friends will just let you down. Family is everything. Needless to say, those teachings did not bode well for relationships outside of the family unit. I also have a toxic trait of being a people pleaser. I want other people to be happy...even at the expense of my own happiness. I want to make my parents happy...my family...my friends...my coworkers...being a people pleaser can be exhausting. So I focused on school and then my career. It was easier. I was paid to serve my employer to make them happy. So I worked. I never intended to be a career woman or to focus on my career. It just happened. I never intended to be independent and make my own life and my own way in life alone. It just happened. Sometimes life happens without a conscious decision to follow a certain path. At one point, I told myself if I didn't have kids by certain age, I would have kids on my own. Then by the time I was that age, I was in a relationship and decided I didn't want to have kids with random sperm just because I could or should. I decided that my dream of finding and being with my person was what was ultimately the most important thing to me. Or at the very least more important than having kids just for the sake of having kids. So there was no decision to remain childless. It just happened. It never felt right at any point in my life so far so I just didn't have kids.
As for my dream of finding my prince on a white horse who would lay down his life for me and immediately propose because I am his soul mate and can't live one more minute with out me...that also didn't happen. Part of me still wants that but logical Weesa knows that is fantasy and not at all how relationships work. Logical Weesa doesn't want to get married for the sake of getting married...or to feel complete....or loved enough for a man to choose to marry me when so many men like to joke about not wanting to be tied down. That's like the dream. For a man to choose you over his bachelor life. For a man to choose...so the female fantasy involves not having a choice. We don't have choices according to this fantasy. We are to marry someone who chose us...to have kids with that person to carry on his name and genes.
So what does this long rambling post do to help me to Find Weesa? I think it just helps me to get it out of my head. It helps to break it down and analyze the components that have led to me to the person I am today. I'm still just letting things happen. I'm still not planning what I want to transpire. Right now, the kids ship has probably sailed for me. I'm mostly ok with that since it wasn't my top thing to begin with. The marriage thing becomes harder for me to imagine as I get older. Deep down, Weesa still gauges her worth and validates her relationship based on that status...on that paper. I hope that one day I will stop doing that. I want more than anything for my person to be my family. I just don't think I am in a place mentally and emotionally to be a wife. Maybe I never will be. I have yet to tackle my people pleasing so marrying someone will just mean I am focused 24/7 on another person's happiness and not my own which will result in bitterness and will surely doom any marriage.
Who knows what the future holds. The point is, sometimes life just happens. There isn't a premeditated attack on the future of society and the family unit. It isn't about feminists declaring they don't need a man or children. It isn't about some liberal or conservative agenda. Sometimes it is literally just about how a person's life has gone. Don't judge. Maybe you can learn something from someone who has taken a different path than you or your beliefs. Maybe you will find that deep down you can relate to their insecurities or the judgments they inflict upon themselves. More importantly, sometimes life just happens.
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